Relationships: What Does Attachment Have to Do With It?

We all know that relationships are important. We need them to feel loved and connected to others. But what about those times when our relationships seem to fall apart? Why do some people seem to be able to have healthy, happy relationships while others struggle? The answer often lies in attachment styles. If you are noticing a repeating relationship pattern, your attachment style or the attachment style of your partner could be the underlying cause.

This post will address the three main attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Let's take a closer look at each one and how they play out in relationships.

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment is when we feel confident in ourselves and our ability to be loved. We feel comfortable being close to others and don't worry about them leaving us. This is the attachment style and usually leads to the most fulfilling relationships.

People with a secure attachment style feel connected to their partner and secure in the relationship. They are able to openly communicate with each other and work together to resolve conflict. They feel confident in their relationship and trust that their partner will be there for them when they need them.

Anxious Attachment

Anxious attachment is when a person worries about being rejected or abandoned. A person with an anxious attachment style may feel worried about their partner's feelings about them and have a hard time being apart from their partner. This can lead to a lot of anxiousness and checking to make sure their partner cares about them. When anxious partner senses something is off, they often blame themselves and try harder to get assurance from their partner that things are okay.

Avoidant Attachment

People who are avoidant typically want to protect themselves from getting hurt. They often distance themselves emotionally and may seem uninterested in their partner's feelings. When conflict arises, they tend to withdraw and may avoid talking about the issue altogether. This can be frustrating for their partner who feels like they are never really sure where they stand with them.

The Cycle of Attachment Conflict

One of the most common types of relationships that cause conflict is when one partner is anxious and the other partner is avoidant. The anxious partner feels compelled, mostly unknowingly, to get reassurance from their partner that the relationship is okay. However, their avoidant partner feels uncomfortable with emotional intimacy so they pull away without even recognizing it.

Consider this example, Beth (anxious attachment) doesn't receive a text from her partner saying good morning. Beth feels as though her partner, Tom (avoidant attachment) doesn't care about her, and her anxiety skyrockets. She sends Tom a bunch of text messages asking him if everything is okay. Tom feels like the text messages are a sign that Beth is unhappy. He wants to protect himself from getting hurt, so he pulls away by not responding.

Both partners' stress increases and both feel insecure about the relationship. This pattern repeats until the cycle becomes so ingrained that it escalates and the couple breaks up or one partner is able to change their approach. Often the same cycle is repeated in future relationships and partners don't understand what occurred or why this keeps happening to them.

The anxious partner concludes it is them and they are flawed and destined to be alone. The avoidant partner concludes keeping people at a distance is important because relationships are uncomfortable. The avoidant partner moves on quickly or engages in less serious relationships. The anxious partner carries anxiousness into future relationships. Over time, trauma occurs for both parties. There is a large amount of unmet attachment needs that when left unmet for a period of time contribute to unresolved traumatic experiences.

What Factors Influence Attachment Style?

There are many different factors that can influence our attachment style, including our early childhood experiences, our relationships with our parents or caregivers, and even our temperament. Some evidence also suggests genetics is at play. The good news is regardless of your attachment style, or your current partner's , attachment style therapy can help you gain skills to work through situations and help stop repeating relationship patterns in your life and help you gain skills to stop the cycle in your life.

Identifying and understanding your attachment style, and the attachment style of your partner (or potential partner) is the first step to stop relationship patterns from occurring. Once you are able to recognize attachment styles you can learn how to work around them or learn how to deal with them when they do come up.

Attachment styles are not set in stone, and people can change their attachment style over time. In my work with clients, I help them learn how to understand and work with your attachment style so that you can have healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Recent Blogs