The Perfectionism Trap

If you're a perfectionist, you're probably used to hearing things like "just relax," or "it's not a big deal." You might feel as though you need to do everything yourself and feel disappointed in others. You might notice it is difficult for you to show others your true feelings or that you bottle things up until you are ready to snap. And while it's true, that you can do more, be more productive, appear happier, and be dependable, all that comes at a cost.

The quest for perfection can be all-consuming. Whether you're trying to land the perfect job, be a rockstar employee or be the perfect friend, spouse, or parent, the pressure to be perfect can be overwhelming. And while the quest for perfection can sometimes lead to great things, it can also be a trap.

Perfectionism starts out as a motivator for you to strive for excellence. It can lead to better performance at work, higher grades in school, and more recognition as being dependable and hardworking. Over time, the standards become higher and higher and the bar becomes more and more out of reach. And while perfectionism looks great on the outside, on the inside it feels like self-doubt, a feeling of only being loved conditionally by others, a fear of showing people your true feelings due to feelings that you will be too much for others to love.

At this stage perfectionism is driven by a fear of failure and a need for approval. This type of perfectionism often leads to anxiety, depression, and a state of overwhelm. For some, perfectionism eventually leads to setting rigid rules and high expectations of yourself. Some cope with this by pushing through at all costs, often at the expense of their physical and mental health. They may feel as though their relationships are surface level and have a hard time feeling deep connections to others.

Others feel too overwhelmed by their standards for perfection that their shame and anxiety grows to push them into a freeze state. They become anxious about doing things and procrastinate handling tasks that are too overwhelming or bring up feelings of shame. They start withdrawing from relationships and things start to pile up. They overlook warning signs and fall deeper into depression and begin a negative spiral that keeps going downward. The more and more either of these cycles repeat, the trap tightens and becomes more suffocating and disruptive to their life, their performance, and their relationships.

If you find yourself in the trap of perfectionism, it's important to remember that you are not alone. Your worth is not tied to what you can do and how you can perform. You are an amazing person with a good heart, a compassionate spirit, and deserve to be loved for who you are as a person, rather than what you can or can’t do perfectly. Your responsibility to yourself is to start changing the relationship you have with yourself slowly so you can start to heal.

Here are some tips for breaking free from the perfectionistic trap:

1. Set Realistic Goals

When your standards are too high, it's impossible to meet them. So instead of setting yourself up for disappointment, set realistic goals that you know you can achieve. This will help you build confidence and feel good about your accomplishments.

2. Give yourself credit where credit is due.

 Instead of dwelling on your mistakes or being worried about being perceived negatively by others, focus on showing yourself compassion. Use positive self-talk to remind yourself that you are working to love and care for yourself and be more comfortable with living a life that feels good to you inside, rather than focusing on how it appears to others on the outside.

3. Be kind to yourself.

If you wouldn't say it to a friend, don't say it to yourself! Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion that you would extend to others. Remember that you are human and that mistakes are part of life (and a vital part of the learning process).

4. Seek professional help if needed.

If you find that your need for perfection is impacting your quality of life, seek help from a therapist to develop healthy coping mechanisms and build a healthy relationship with yourself. This is important because to see change we need support to get through the difficult parts and a different perspective to truly change unconscious habits. You deserve to live a life that isn't controlled by fear or anxiety!

Next post: The Importance of Self-Compassion